My third and last Vipassana?
Suddenly my whole body dissolved in a field of tingling sensations: SHOOS, Shoos, shoos - the intensity of sensations seemed to sweep through me a few times. Then, I could feel my body again, sitting in the meditation hall on my meditation cushion. Tears came to my eyes and I thought to myself ‘and THAT is the power of the heart’.
This was day 6 of my Vipassana. One day earlier an inner turmoil had started. So far I had been feeling optimistic. Even though I resonated less with the discourses than 2 years earlier when I was thrilled to be in such a tight container, getting introduced to an uncomplicated practice and linear path. At that time, I’d been travelling for three quarters of a year with the mission to study Tantra. Even though I’d completed two different teacher training courses, Tantra remained relatively vague and ungraspable.
Looking for some form of entertainment while standing in line for the lunch buffet, I scanned the board with notes for students yet another time to see if there was anything that I hadn’t read yet. There was: a note on ‘chanting und verbeugen’ - chanting and bowing. It explained that the chanting is for the sake of creating a good atmosphere and that some participants bow out of respect for the teacher and the teachings. I felt a fire ignitinging within me; ‘This is now why I bow!’ Sure, I respect the teacher and the teachings, but I bow because of the devotion I feel in my heart. It is not a custom of respect that I have been taught, it is something beyond the mind, coming from a sense of deep gratitude and connection to something beyond me. I suddenly realised that God had been totally taken out of the equation here. This was my third Vipassana, how had I not realised this before?
During the evening discourses Goenka would ridicule meditating with mantras and practices of devotion, implying that a mantra is nothing but a simple distraction and devotional practices merely superstition. The fire that had ignited, started to boil. I realized that the practice (solely mind & body -focussed), the path (very long and hard work - as repeated regularly by Goenka) and also the goal (releasing suffering) did not inspire me the slightest. I am drawn to the spiritual path because I yearn to know God. But as per Goenka - we were there to ‘overcome our misery’. While I looked around, all I saw was misery. No laughter, no joy. This can’t be right?
In Vipassana one focuses the mind by focusing on physical sensations. When the mind remains very still and does not react with craving or desire to certain sensations, it becomes more subtle and one starts to notice subtler sensations - the awareness moves from the physical and emotional body to the energy body. Through this practice we get to observe first hand how these layers of self interact. This is of course only the first step in Vipassana, Gautama the Buddha found enlightenment through this practice after all. I imagine that with a lot of practice one goes beyond the prana body and becomes aware of the even more subtle layers of self, awakening to the ultimate ground of all being. I understand the practice and I think it is intrinsically valuable. But, as mentioned often by the teacher: it is hard work and a very long path. Life after life we need to practice Vipassana. Who of us is willing to sit under a tree for days on end?
While I sat in meditation the next day, I thought back to a moment during the break where it had felt as if I was receiving a kiss on my crown. In the moment itself I hadn't thought much of it. When it came to my mind again during meditation, it made me think: ‘am I being supported?! At that thought, my heart opened wide and my whole physical body felt as if dissolved - no more physicality, only a field of tingling sensations. In that moment I knew ‘THIS is the power of the heart’.
I realised that in Vipassana, we work from the outside in (mind & matter) whereas in Tantra, we work from the inside out (heart-focussed, the core of your being). No wonder that Vipassana is said to be a such a hard and lengthy path while in Tantra enlightenment could be reached in this very lifetime. Thank God for Tantra, where the goal is not just to overcome suffering but to KNOW GOD and to KNOW YOURSELF AS GOD. By awakening to that truth, one inevitably overcomes suffering since experiencing yourself solely in a contracted form is the root of all suffering. Thank God for Tantra, where one is to enjoy their spiritual practice without striving for a certain outcome as enlightenment is not something you can force, it is something that happens by Grace- all one can do is create a fertile soil for when the seed sprouts.
During those first teacher training I had been told, ‘Tantra is the path of the heart’. What had sounded beautifully poetic but vague to me then, now started to ring more and more true. When we invoke the well of love that resides at the core of our being, it starts to overflow in to all of the denser layers until it will start to seep deeper in to our conscious reality and we recognise it as the ultimate truth. Increasing Prana and training the mind to be one pointed focussed (as is the result of Vipassana ánd other practices) is known to be supportive of this process.
The more Goenka mocked devotion, the more strongly i felt that devotion is my path. When I am in devotion, I am fully present and in love. What is God but love and consciousness? Devotion offers a direct pathway into embodying the qualities of God. Devotion elevates you in to your highest expression.
Bless to be blessed.
