How I turned my fear in to freedom
Less than five years ago, I was a completely different version of myself.
After being single for eight years, I finally admitted to myself that I wanted a romantic relationship. For a long time, I avoided acknowledging this desire because my conscious mind, in an attempt to rationalise my unconscious fears, had convinced me that I was happily single. I became an expert at fooling myself, suppressing my 'negative' emotions and believing that as long as I didn’t rely on anyone else for happiness, I’d be fine. I lived a life filled with parties, many friendships, and short-lived sexual escapades.
Then, I found myself at what should have been a simple, non-threatening cuddle party—initiated by a guy I fancied. Despite my intense resistance, something inside me knew I had to go. It was a small gathering, just a few of his friends—two gay men, one woman, and us. I felt extremely uncomfortable which was puzzling because if this had been a sexual encounter, I probably wouldn’t have felt this way. With a knot in my stomach and chest, I suddenly blurted out, “I have a fear of attachment.” It was surprising hearing myself say those words as I had always attributed my sense of detachment to having my Venus in Aquarius.
When I got home, still feeling physically unsettled, I started journaling in an effort to make sense of what I was experiencing. Suddenly I started having flashbacks of all the moments where I’d been pushing men away. I realised that my large friend circle was yet another way of avoiding going deep with anyone. I realised that my desire for a relationship would go unfulfilled if this was how I dealt with people trying to get close to me.
This is when my healing journey began. After a few sessions with a therapist, I got inspired to study Tantra. Initially it was my spiritual yearning that led me to Tantra. I was unaware of the healing effects it would have on me. I felt very uncomfortable most of the time during my first teacher training and mainly chose to work with women. With time, I was able to release the armour around my heart and let go of the destructive patterns.
Through the practices of Tantra, I have been able to:
Transform my fears by facing them with presence and curiosity
Be more present in relationships; quickly turning triggers in to insight and more often thoughtfully respond instead of reacting out of emotion
Create capacity to hold all of my emotions - also the bad ones (the first time I actually cried over a guy I was so proud of myself that I felt joy at the same time :D)
Release stories, beliefs and unprocessed emotions
Be more comfortable with showing myself vulnerable, the key to human connection
Deeply integrate all I was learning as my insights were gained through direct embodied experience
It has brought me a sense of wholeness within my imperfection. It has given me a sense of shared humanity, realising that everyone has their own challenges they are dealing with. It has given me a renewed excitement for life, welcoming it in all its flavours.
At times, I still notice my avoidant and anxious tendencies, where I am unconsciously driven by a wounded part of myself. However, now I have the tools to navigate them when they arise.
If you want to let go of past experiences that still affect how you relate today and bring in more more self-awareness and authenticity, I invite you to step into the powerful of Tantra that offers a high potency of transformation.
